Catalyst

Planet Fitness® has gone to great lengths to provide its members with a friendly
space to work out. We call it the Judgment Free Zone. We discourage weight
dropping and obnoxious grunting so you can focus on your own workout and not the
person next to you.

-Planet Fitness Web Page

I was a little put off by this message. Idealists make me want to vomit sometimes. "Judgment-Free Zone"? What is this, middle school? But it's $10 with no year long commitments so I compromised my realist morals and went to check it out.

Planet Fitness was somewhat difficult to find. I had to circle around behind an asian strip mall named Eden Center. After passing all of the loading docks and random storefronts where mobsters wash their money, I found Planet Fitness under the main level next to a place named "Diamond." I was drawn to Diamond like a moth to a flame. Perhaps it was the 8 foot by 2 foot scrolling multi-colored marquee announcing the exciting arrival of "Kim Jua" or the large blue neon sign with the "A" replaced with a princess-cut diamond (Sidenote: I had a dream that largely had to do with diamonds last night, favorite quote from dream: "'When your friend showed me that diamond I realized it was from a funeral parlor you shady crook!' 'How can you tell??' 'Because it's made of white cement!' I point to a diamond which is clearly a piece of sidewalk"). However, my instincts told me I would stand out like a sore thumb at an underground Pai Gow parlor for triad members. Drawing myself away, I entered next door at Planet Fitness.

I now know where Barney the Dinosaur works out. Purple was everywhere in an annoying fashion. And i'm not talking acceptable and cool Donatello purple, I'm saying "hot purple", hot pink's retarded cousin. But, since it was a judgment free zone, I tolerated it to go up to the front desk. The people that worked the front desk can best be described as disinterested mexican children who probably can't even help their parents with the groceries because the milk jug is too heavy. A "tour" was given where the little girl just pointed at areas saying "that's where the machines are, in that room is free weights, and that room is for 30 minute work outs." I inquired about the 30 minute work out room and apparently it's exactly like the program my mom goes to, 'Curves', where you do each work out for about 30 seconds. They totally ripped off curves. The coup de grace was when she pointed out the tanning rooms. "Of course, unlimited tanning is included in our membership." Wait a second. Tanning has no scientifically proven health benefits. The only reason to go to a tanning salon, especially for a male, is to look like a "jersey guido" (guy from Fitness First said that). Further, tanning is for being vain. Having tanning rooms in the gym implies that the gym is there so people can stroke their vanity and are therefore judging themselves in a judgment free zone which opens the floor for me to judge them and then judge planet fitness as a dud. The mexican children handed me a couple sheets of paper with the schedules on them and basically "muchos gulps eh? whelp, sayonara"'d me into the streets. No sales pitch or nothing. I guess they judged me an unfit candidate after my visible disgust at the tanning rooms.

Long story short, I impulsively drove straight from there to Fitness First and joined immediately. I worked out so hard that I slept for 14 hours and dreamt of diamonds.